I was in Manhattan visiting a friend and what I saw there was crazy. Just crazy.

There were typewriters, damaged as if thrown from windows; keys bent like arthritic fingers, chewed-on pencils, sans erasers. There were empty coffee cups, spineless thesauruses, and broken whisky bottles.

There were crumpled papers, some blank, some not, piled so high if the wind shifted, I’d have been buried in a pile of frustration. Only living thing on the street was a one-eyed, limping, German Sheppard.

Jimmy’s home was nearby.
A drab apartment in a ...

This is the city Hollywood, California. I’m a cop assigned to the cold case of Mary’s little lamb. Most people know Mary through the version her public relations people put out. The lamb followed Mary to school; it was against the rules, the teacher put it out, end of story. Mary spent the rest of the day in class.

Could be.

Everyone agrees Mary had a little lamb. The operative word is had.
Her lawyers blame the teacher for its disappearance.

“Back off, copper,” one said, “you’re barking up the ...

Stanley is a copycat or a copy of a copycat.

If I arch my back, he arches his. If I wave my tail, he waves his. He’s an idiot, but we're close as close could be.

Last week, I was adopted and I wanted Stanley to join me. I searched every alley and garbage can we’d been in. Backyards, too.

“Stanley, I’m moving.”
“1032 Overhill Street.”
“Where are you, Stanley?”
“Why would you leave me now?”
When I found him, I learned one thing for sure.

Unless you don’t mind ...

When I bit off more than I could chew, I left it dangling, wrote a sign, “free food,” and hit the streets. No takers.

So, I leaned back and swallowed it whole; in hindsight a mistake since it got stuck in my throat.

I lost consciousness.

When I awoke, I felt a mouse crawling outward across my tongue. Problem solved. I was grateful. Some see mice as pests; I saw her as a furry bunny rabbit.

She waddled away.

So s-l-o-w-l-y.

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I was in court charged with littering when the bailiff said, “All rise,” and I’m thinking, rise; who the “F” does he think I am Superman? I know how to stand but rise; where was I supposed to learn to do that, magic school?

I stayed seated, but as soon as the assembled rose alongside an open window, the wind carried them away. All thirty crashed into an adjacent building.

Ten died.

Nineteen were hospitalized, a homeless woman, did okay. She fell near where she lives.

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The splinter in my foot hurt, but I left it in and ignored the black stuff developing around it. I was busy writing.

When I required surgery, I did it myself; it didn’t go as planned.

I retraced my steps to learn where I went wrong. Studied surgical texts, spoke to doctors and nurses. Bought a surgical gown and cap, the proper instruments, and booze to steady my nerves. Then, I began cutting.

Afterward, I hobbled to my closet, where I found what he was looking for.

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Most days when I saw her, she was sitting on a milk crate, empty paper coffee cup in hand, wordlessly seeking donations, and whatever change I had I gave her. But after losing my job, after the savings ran out, after my wife ran out, children too, (“bye, bye daddy”) I wound up living on the street where she lived.

I was invited into her home; it was spacious by cardboard standards.
“Take what you want. “
I did.
“Thank you, ma’am.”
Left her home empty.
Took all she had and left everything I took.
For all she had was imaginary.

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I used to hate going to the dentist, and if my dentist is reading this, I don’t mean you. I mean the one I went to before you.

Now, when I go to the dentist, I make a day of it, sleep in, breakfast in bed. I put on clean underwear in case something goes horribly wrong.

At work, I bullshit around and have a wine cooler anesthetic for lunch.

“Open.”
“Wider.”
“Good.”
“Relax.”
He drills.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
“Remarkable.”
“Never seen anything like it.”

Once, he found the tooth fairy inside; pulled her out.
She ...

I’d let you stay at my place if I don’t have to be there with you.   

When I’m into another person, I get the feeling of wow! But I get that same feeling with a doobie and a Hendrix album.

When I hang out, it’s mainly with the people in my head. They have wonderful stories to tell. Curious little tales with twist endings. Never see it coming. Perhaps you’d like to hear one.

Come in.

Don’t mind the people there, don’t stare, bring refreshments. ...

I went the extra mile, no reason except curiosity. If you’re thinking of doing the same don’t bother; it ain’t worth it.  

To help others, I made this sign and placed it where anyone about to travel the mile could see it.

WELCOME TO THE EXTRA MILE

Home to no restaurants, no gas stations, no stores, schools, or hospitals. No traffic lights, theaters, and not a living soul. It’s like an unfurnished apartment in the middle of nowhere. The souvenir shop is a bit pricy.     

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