Belts make zero sense to me. They claim to “hold things together” (and keep pants from falling down too much, of course), but most of the time, they’re just holding me like I’m a hostage. They dig into my body, they twist around, and to top it all off, they add that buckle-shaped indent to my stomach. All of this is for what? So my jeans don’t slide half an inch? I mean, I wear the right size, so they certainly won’t just plop right down without it.
I’ve tried to make peace with them. I’ve had every kind of belt before. There are the skinny ones, the wide, the oddly braided and the ones that are considered a “statement.” Meanwhile, the truth is that belts just feel like that one friend who insists they’re only trying to help while actually making things worse in the end. The moment I put one on, I start regretting every meal decision I’ve ever made.
What’s even worse than normal belts are the fake belts. Those are the ones that truly serve no purpose whatsoever. You know, the decorative ones that cinch a dress “for style.” If my outfit needs to be strangled to look good, maybe the outfit’s the problem.
I promise I’ve never looked at a dress I’m wearing and thought, “Hm, you know what would make this look even better? A belt.” Now, I will say I did wear one that ties in the back on my wedding day, but in all fairness, my mother-in-law came up with the idea and picked it out. (It also didn’t squeeze me like the others do, so honestly, it doesn’t count to me.)
Every fashion magazine swears that belts “define the waist.” I think they just define my personal suffering. Nothing says “I hate myself” like a belt you can’t breathe in. I once wore one to these dinner plans I had, and I had to unbuckle it discreetly halfway through it. Instant relief.
So to every belt I own: we had a good run, but it’s over. The only one I’ll be keeping is the one I wore on my wedding day. (Even then, I’m not wearing it again.) The rest of you were never practical, barely considered stylish and honestly, I don’t miss you. If my pants can’t stay up on their own, they’re just not worth the effort.
